When Grief Makes You Lose Sight of Who You Are in the World Now

Grief is a natural response to loss, not always associated with death.  Grief is an acute pain, taking many forms in our lives.  It can be all-encompassing and completely knock you off your feet.

When grief knocks at your door, whether unexpectedly or expectedly, it changes everything. Yet many parts of this journey remain unspoken. In this article, I aim to explore those quiet, often hidden corners of grief —the ones not typically discussed or acknowledged in society.

Grief Changes the Landscape of What We Once Knew

Grief seeps into every part of life, sometimes slowly, sometimes like a tidal wave. It can feel like it consumes you, shaking up your inner and outer world without you even realising. Some days, you're knocked off your feet. Other days are eerily calm. Both are real.

Grief is often something society wants to rush. There’s this silent expectation to “move on,” to “get over it.” But grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It’s not a linear process. The truth is: grief lasts as long as love does, which means it may last a lifetime.

The Parts of Grief Not Often Spoken About

Life Will Never Be the Same

Whether the loss was sudden, traumatic, or anticipated, it alters your reality. Some birthdays won’t be celebrated, phone calls that won’t be made, holidays that feel empty, empty seats at the dinner table.  These missed moments feel unbearable; they become a part of your new landscape, adjusting and accepting the new way of being and living a life without your loved one is not an easy process.

Grief Is a Bodily Experience

It’s not just in your head. Your body remembers and can show up as anxiety, feeling nauseous, and sleepless nights. Waking at 3 am, thinking it's all a dream, then you realise, and it hits you all over again.  Elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol can lead to inflammation in the body, high blood pressure, and increased blood sugar levels, which could lead to insulin resistance.  Grief can also weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to illnesses.

Some Days Are Just Really Sh*t — And That’s Okay

There are days when the sadness and heaviness felt in your body show up, uninvited. You might be fine one moment and then crying the next.  Or standing in the supermarket queue, and you completely break down. These grief waves come in all forms — sudden, subtle, overwhelming, or quiet. They're all normal, valid, and they all need to be felt and welcomed.  The grieving process is not rigid; the tidal waves of grief can suddenly come crashing down, catching you off guard.

You May Feel Anxious Like Never Before

Grief and anxiety are common and a normal part of grief.  The way grief anxiety may show up can be:

• disturbed sleep
• overwhelm
• heart palpitations
• panic attacks
• feeling weak and fatigued
• an unusual feeling in your tummy
• nauseous
• shaking or trembling

You Look “Fine” But Feel Disconnected

Grief can make you feel numb and initially emotionless.  It is your mind's way of protecting you from the overwhelming emotions and pain you are feeling around your grief.  It can limit your focus and make it hard to continue with your day-to-day tasks and activities.

Journaling can be a helpful way to process and express some of your thoughts and feelings.  It also helps to reduce anxiety and keep a record of your journey to look back on and see your progress.  Of course, grief is not linear; each day will be different. One day, you may feel overwhelmed with feelings, and the next, you may feel a little lighter, making it easier to get through the day.

Feeling Lonely, Even When You’re Not Alone

Grief can isolate you, even in a crowded room. You might feel like no one really understands. There can be confusion, disbelief, anger, and a deep sense of not belonging in this new version of your life.  You see life differently now through your own eyes; it doesn't feel quite the same. You yearn and long to return to how it once was.  Be kind to yourself in your grieving process, surround yourself with people who understand, those who can provide care and empathy as you navigate your grief.

You Might Feel Suicidal

This is one of the hardest truths. Grief can bring with it dark thoughts and overwhelming despair. It’s not about wanting to die, it’s about the pain stopping. If you’re feeling this way, please know you’re not alone. Reach out. Speak to someone. Lean into your support network.

Your Identity May Shift

You might find yourself asking, Who am I now? A part of your identity was tied to the one you lost. Without them, the world feels unfamiliar. And so do you.  This is a normal reaction to loss, utter confusion, no sense of safety, and wondering what life will look like now.

You Might Feel Guilty for Living

One huge emotion felt during our grief is guilt.  Feeling guilty for what you didn't do.  The "what if " and maybes, because you didn't take them to the GP or the hospital sooner. You may have lost sight of what was going on.  You didn't ask enough questions.  Your own life took over.  You feel like you are responsible.  Could I have done something differently?

You also feel guilty for laughing, smiling, and enjoying life, continuing to live on, as if you are not remembering your loved one, as though you are not grieving.  Grief and joy coexist.  It's okay to feel both.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Grieving

If you recognise yourself in any of this, you’re not weak. You’re not failing. You’re simply grieving. It doesn’t follow rules. It doesn’t tidy itself up for others’ comfort. By giving a voice to these often silent parts, you can express and feel your grief; it is not something to be scared of.  Embrace it, for it is not going anywhere.

If you are struggling with your grief and need support, please get in touch.